We know what causes infidelity?
But what causes fidelity? Whatever that causes fidelity, when it is not there, causes infidelity!
So, what causes fidelity?
A couple goes through different stages or types of intimacy during their times together and experience one or more stages in their lifetime. To the extent the couple moves through the different stages would depend on the time and attention they place on their relationship. These include with no specific order or preference i.e. being:
- Sexually intimate with each other (be it where the couple experiences sexual intimacy either regularly, or on an ad-hoc basis)
- Physically intimate (where the couple moves to live in the same space together)
- Emotionally intimate (where the couple enjoys a relationship where each helps the other meet their needs emotionally; here the couple has learned to understand each others’ pasts as well as learnt to share and value unique moments together such as dinners, holidays, family events, and so on.)
- Mentally intimate (where the couple has learned to see the view of the partner not from one’s own perspective but that of the partner’s and in doing so learns to bring their minds together so that they may plan their lives together from the past, present and into the future and not meet their future as contingent (“let’s cross the bridge when we get there”. i.e, there is child born to them and so they need to meet its living and educational expenses, and so on)
- Spiritually intimate (where each regard the other as their soul-mate and enjoy a celestial or soul mate experience together)
Where do you think sexual fidelity begins to happen for the couple? Would it be at sexual intimacy or at physical intimacy or when the couple has learned to experience emotional intimacy?
What does sexual fidelity look like? It includes among other things, a willingness by each person in the relationship to regard his or her partner as:
- The only sexual partner for life;
- Where the relationship is not given (as in blood relations), but the couple has chosen to learn to want to be together;
- The relationship has grown beyond physical intimacy to include (or aspires to include) all or other forms of intimacy between the two and not limited to one or two out of the five;
- The couple is in the relationship because they ‘want to’ and not because they ‘had to’ (it is an obligation or transaction or choices made by parents or forced to) be in it;
- The couple regards each’s relationship with the other emotionally (as opposed to physically, materially, mentally) as equals and not assumes either as superior (head of the household) or inferior (submissive) to the other.
Did you say, the above (particularly sexual fidelity) happens when the couple learns to build emotional intimacy? Yes, you are right! We know couple who have reached the first two stages in the relationship and have even chosen to marry each other, yet, do not necessarily enjoy sexual fidelity with each other.
So how does emotional intimacy happen? Does it happen magically or it requires hard work on both sides? How would they need to work with each other so that they meet the other’s needs emotionally?
The following is something I have found useful as a I work with Dr Gray’s work. It helps appreciate the level of intimacy that may happen for a couple.
- What do you notice happening between the two (notice the threads in red)?
- Does it happen one way or would it need to happen two-ways?
- Are the needs of the two genders the same?
- So who starts first?
- Do these steps happen overnight or do they take time?
- Do they happen by accident or it helps that both sides of the couple first really appreciate what really ticks the other in (or off)?
- How would such learning happen? It is easier if one sees one’s parents do it? However, should that not be the case, what are the implications for society, the couple and the future? What could happen differently?
|NEEDS OF THE TWO GENDERS AND THE ORDER THESE NEEDS GROW / REINFORCE OVER TIME TO CREATE SUSTAINABLE RELATIONSHIPS IN A COUPLE: BY DR JOHN GRAY, AUTHOR OF “MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS”
- Case Study 18: What would it take to ‘cure’ HIV? (sheilasingapore.wordpress.com)
- Best-selling Author of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” – Dr. John Gray – to join Deepak Chopra at the “Journey into Healing” Workshop this September in San Diego (prweb.com)